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It's unclear why the debate over the best Halloween candy still continues—it's perfectly obvious how these Trick or Treats stack up. Here are all the Halloween candies that matter, in order from worst to best.*
*Not included: any shady homemade sweets (save 'em for a party), pencils (we get it, you're jaded—just turn your porch light off and sit this one out), and Unicef pennies (the internet is a great way to make donations).
16. Laffy Taffy
Anything taffy-adjacent, especially fruit-flavored taffy, is a Halloween candy abomination. I would sooner eat crudité leftovers on Halloween than a banana Laffy Taffy. Whoever invented these must've realized how bad they are and tried to salvage the product by printing lame jokes on the wrapper ("why do hamburgers fly south for the winter?"... "so they don't freeze their buns!"). Sigh.
BUY IT: Laffy Taffy, 2-lb bulk bag, $12.59 on Amazon
15. DOTS
These look like ear plugs and taste like melted crayons. Why do these exist? Why do people buy them? Is there a government conspiracy related to Big Candy? What am I missing here? If someone can offer an explanation, I'd be really appreciative.
BUY IT: Mini DOTS Candy, 1-lb bag, $9.93 on Amazon
14. Twix Bars
Twix built an entire campaign around how long it takes to chew these terrible bars. Besides the insanely stringy caramel, the only other thing going on in here is a rather bland, crumbly cookie base and a milk chocolate coating that melts instantly upon contact with fingers.
BUY IT: Twix Caramel Minis, 40-oz bag, $19.42 on Amazon
13. Kit Kat
When people talk about Kit Kat bars like they're a good candy, I feel like they're gaslighting me. In no world is this anything more than a sad wafer covered in cloying milk chocolate. I could rag on Kit Kats for hours. Next.
BUY IT: Kit Kat Assorted Miniatures Classic Bag, 11-oz. 2-pack, $20.09 on Amazon
12. York Peppermint Patty
In short: it's chocolate-covered toothpaste. In the shape of a hockey puck. Are YPP's meant to be healthy or something? Hard pass on these, now and forever.
BUY IT: York Peppermint Patties, 40-oz. party bag, $9.48 on Amazon
11. Nestlé Crunch
Sorry, Crunch, but you're insanely boring. I don't even have commentary for you, because you don't possess any noteworthy qualities that would compel me to feel strongly either way.
BUY IT: Nestlé Crunch Bars, 11-oz. fun-size bag, $9.99 on Amazon
10. Snickers
Snickers gets to be in the top 10 because of their Liza & Aretha ad. Aside from that, this bar is a strong medium-good at best. Replace the nougat with peanut butter and then we'll talk.
BUY IT: Snickers Halloween Pumpkin Singles Chocolate Candy (Pack of 24), $16 on Amazon
9. Nerds
I feel the same way about Nerds that Mitch Hedberg feels about rice—"it's great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something." The only downside is that you have to tip the whole box into your mouth and try not to choke on them.
BUY IT: Nerds, Grape + Strawberry mini boxes, 12-oz. bag, $7.87on Amazon
8. 3 Musketeers
Finally, a chocolate bar that's got something interesting inside. The nougatty mousse inside could easily be served in a fancy glass at some Michelin-starred joint, and I would dip into my rent money to eat it.
BUY IT: 3 Musketeers Fun Size Bars 10.48-oz. Bag (2 pack), $14.95 on Amazon
7. Whoppers
I have no idea what malted milk is, and, while I could easily Google it right now, I'm completely satisfied living in ignorance in this scenario. The inside of a Whopper is like a tiny spherical shortbread cookie, crunchy and salty and everything I want in a candy.
BUY IT: Whoppers Snack Size, 9-oz. Bags (Pack of 4), $27.14 on Amazon
6. Butterfinger
It's got an amazing name, for starters, and the Butterfinger (hehe) is easily the most unique (and Simpsons-affiliated) candy of the bunch. There's nothing even comparable to the flaky, crispy, honeycomb-y and caramel-y layers on the inside of this bad boy.
BUY IT: Butterfinger Mini Chocolate Bars, 3-lb. Bulk Candy, $19.99 on Amazon
5. Skittles
Skittles are the most popular candy in America, maybe because they have an insane marketing budget from Papa Mars, or maybe because they taste the way every other fruity candy wishes they did. The chewiness-to-flavor ratio is unrivaled. Just don't convince yourself that each color tastes different, because that's fake news.
BUY IT: Skittles Fun Size Mini Packs, 5-lb. bag, $21.92 on Amazon
4. Reese's Cups
A perfect example of chocolate candy done right. First of all, who said a rectangular bar should be the standard? I'm in full support of the ridged circle, especially when it's filled with some kind of insane salty-sweet peanut-butter-ish product. Bonus points awarded to the Halloween theming of the Reese's cups shaped like pumpkins.
BUY IT: Reese's Cups Snack Size, 2-lb. pack, $17.48 on Amazon
3. M&M's
Ah, a classic beauty. The OG plain M&M's will never go out of style—they can try to one-up themselves with shiny new varieties like Pretzel, Crispy, Mega, Mint, and Pumpkin Spice, but those are one-hit wonders (like the guys who did "Come on Eileen"), and these are timeless classics (like, uh, Journey?).
BUY IT: M&M's Fun Size Milk, 3-lb. pack, $24.99 on Amazon
2. Candy Corn
Excuse me while I break the damn internet, but candy corn, with its strangely addictive, waxy chewiness, is good candy. Anyone who disagrees is probably the kind of person who hates on pumpkin spice and goes on a tirade when they hear the word "moist." I don't care who you are—you're not above candy corn.
BUY IT: Brach's Candy Corn 11-oz. bag, $3.97 on Amazon
1. Peanut M&M's
Remember what I said about newfangled M&M's flavors not standing the test of time? Peanut M&M's are the exception to the rule. They reign supreme as the all-time best Halloween candy—big, crunchy, and salty-sweet. The fact that they're probably nowhere to be found at school functions or while trick-or-treating (you know, because nut allergies) only makes them more elusive and desirable.
BUY IT AND SEND ME SOME: M&Ms Peanut Milk Chocolate Fun Size, 3-lb. bag, $22.59 on Amazon
If you're a real go-getter, you can make your own Halloween candy—just, please, don't give it out to strangers.
